Broken Road Journey

I have been:

Ξ November 21st, 2008 | → 0 Comments | ∇ Just For Me |

I have been:

Behind the times, in front of the firing squad, caught in the moment, lost in memories, found in tears, under the weather and over the hill, held in tenderness, let go in anguish,  drenched in rain, parched of hope, captured on film, released from burdens, fallen off kilter, lifted up in prayer, chilled to bone, warmed in firelight, basked in moonlight, wrapped in responsibility, stripped of dignity, floating on cloud nine, sunk in the depths of despair, hungry for days, fed in charity, able to give freely of myself, guilty of taking more than my share, braced against the wind, forced to push my way through, able to taste sea salt in the air, angry and spit out the wrong words, touched and whispered the right feelings, angry and screamed to be heard, awestruck and listened in silence, broken and ached from sorrow, blessed to be healed by love, remembered with concern, forgotten with callous, handled with care, jolted by trauma, racked with mourning, celebrating into the wee hours, a good friend, a not very nice person, struck ill with disease, made well by another’s wisdom, covered with confidence, exposed to death, struggling to learn forgiveness, hoping to teach compassion, used by those whom are self serving, capable of manipulating others, stuck in the middle, falsely accused of malice, defended to the end, weighed by the scales of justice, on the wrong side of the tracks, at the top of the ladder, challenged on perspective, buried in paperwork, ashamed of my decisions, excited about an opportunity, tempted by evil, forgiven through Christ, created through Gods grace and saved through his mercy.

A week after… and all is well

Ξ November 11th, 2008 | → 0 Comments | ∇ Just For Me |

Today marks a week. . . a full cyclical turn on the calendar and all is thus far well.  I am free of medications other than those for my anemia, and I am able to move about fairly easily…  I simply tire more rapidly  than I am accustomed to and am feeble feeling which is a sensation that I simply loathe. 

Lyndon is home again this weekend past from visiting with his Uncles and Grandparents during the several days immediately following the surgery.  It was a great help to me not having the burden of caring for him during that time, and I would have not minded it going a bit longer but Walter was going absolutely insane with Lyndons prolonged absence and it was becoming an unbearable thing for him to endure.

In the reaminder of this week I will begin to try to combat some of the chores of which the family has found the luxury of procrastination.  Nothing grand, but a little here and there, pushing myself to rebuild my strengths…  The holidays are coming, and I have a new me to slowly unwrap ahead of time for s seasonal celebration of self!!!

Feeling Guilty

Ξ October 11th, 2008 | → 0 Comments | ∇ Just For Me |

Feelings of GUILT.

Having a pity party for myself is something I have never been inclined to do, but I have to confess that I am heavily burdened with guilt these last few weeks since we got the news from my Dr.  And it isn’t what you might think, I don’t feel badly for myself, I don’t feel “oh woe is me why is this happening to me” kind of thing, in the back of my mind… I always had a fear that cancer would find me because it is so prevalent in a variety of forms on my mother/ grandmothers side of the family… in fact that is why for so many years when I was with the sheriffs office that I carried and Aflac cancer policy – I guess I should have found a way to keep it after I left huh?  But anyway, the point is, it is not because or for myself that I am hurting – it is for what it is doing to my family, and the sacrifices they personally have to make – because of me.

Walters first week on a new job… a time of excitement and change and of exploring challenges. . . already having stressed so much about the decision itself to change companies, and then telling his boss and coworkers he would be leaving… the nerve rattling first several days trying to absorb new place, new people and new patterns. . . struggling to settle in and focus on all so many things… and after three days the perspective changes when I have to tell him the results, the diagnosis and the prognosis.  All of a sudden it becomes a battle to get the Cobra in effect ASAP which his new boss had agreed to pay for in Walters contract, but now time was of the essence and Walter was put into the position of having to “impose” the urgency of the matter upon both his previous employer whom will manage the Cobra, and his current employer whom paid for it…  Now it took a few days, but both companies were wonderfully responsive and got everything processed in a amazingly expeditious manner, but it was putting Walter in that position to have to burden them with the situation.

Victoria so much wanted to be in Girl Scouts this year, she even gave up playing ball this season because we could not afford both activities right now with me not able to work.  So I signed her up and we waited, and I finally got the call in early Mid September to go to a meeting to discuss the troop for her school.  It turns out there is no troop and since I had checked the box that I was interested in being a troop assistant that I could pair with another mother whom wanted to be a troop leader and we could begin a troop.  So I filled out all the paperwork for background checks and all sorts of other papers… and Victoria and I waited.  Everyday she would ask me about it.  Well I finally heard from them and of course I had passed my background checks (12+ years in law enforcement I would thinks so) and I was ready to begin training as TROOP LEADER because the other mother bailed and so in order for Victoria to have a troop ((and all the other little girls whom had been interested at the school)) I was going to have to be the Troop Leader…. Well ok ….  But then the following week after getting my Girls Scouts Approval documents and training schedules and all that…. Is when I found out what the next several weeks (months) was going to entail for me….  There was no way I could start a troop right now, I just will not physically be able to do it.  I felt like I had just stolen Christmas from her when I had to not only tell her what was happening with me, but tell her how it was going to affect something she so desperately wanted for herself…..

And then there is Kat…. (sigh)  I am so proud of her.  They wanted to schedule my surgery three days before we were to leave with her and her friends to celebrate her sweet sixteen birthday by taking them to Six Flags over Georgia for a fun weekend.  She immediately offered to forgo her plans and wanted me to do the surgery despite it ruining her weekend… but I refused to let it ruin something she had been talking about and settling plans for for months.  So I scheduled the surgery for Nov 4, two weeks later than the Dr’s had wanted me to have it done. Everything goes along, and she starts getting very excited as the countdown gets closer and she and her friends look at videos of the roller coasters and such things as they anticipate the fun they will share together.  And then two days ago I get a phone call from Shands and they tell me about the non insurance covered portion of expenses which I have to bring with me to my preop appt (the day before we depart on the trip) so that things can continue as planned with my surgery…  OUCH… that’s a big number on short notice and there goes the grand we had set aside for Kat’s party weekend because now it has to pay for my medical junk…  this after spending 120 on medication this week out of our budget that was not expected, but which I needed.

She was so disappointed, but she tried to so hard not to show it.  She understands the situation, and she holds no resentment, but I know it hurt her feelings and it broke my heart even though I too tried not to show how upsetting it was for me.  She is an amazing daughter, and she should not have to lose her Sweet 16 because of me, but that is what it boils down to.

My other daughter and son do not live at home, and so although the impact of this situation may affect them emotionally in their own ways, it is not as exposed to me as those whom are the closet to home and heart that I have to witness the impact of my life upon in every daily moment.  Lyndon, so young, will likely never even remember these times at all.

Everyone has given up so much for me, and I know that in the weeks to come it may take even more sacrifice from them before the road to recovery becomes well traveled, and that is a very heavy burden to bear… for me.  I feel so guilty for disrupting their lives and taking things away from them by proxy.  It is nothing they have said or done, it is just my own knowing of the implications that is difficult…  I love them all so very much, they are so good to me.

PRAYER FOR SUSAN WALTERS

Ξ October 5th, 2008 | → 0 Comments | ∇ Just For Me |

Heavenly Father, I pray this moment for Susan, I ask for you to give her heart a touch Lord.  She is an angry, selfish, bitter woman that has hurt me and my family for many years, but I forgive her and I ask for her to forgive me as you forgive us both God. For I know that you have the ability to light the darkness that lurks within her that makes her want to argue, and hurt and act with the mind of child.  Lord, I pray today that you wash away the blind arrogance of her heart, and fill it instead with joy and kindness so that she can know the meaning of truly loving others, and being loved in return.  Father I ask in the name of your son Jesus Christ to give her strength to begin and to give me strength to continue to seek forgiveness, and to free our hearts of the seeds of destruction and of resentment and enable us to become a blessing instead of a burden to those in out circles of family and friends.  Lord I know that it is only when truth of self is discovered, and accepted, can wisdom begin to dawn through your mercy.  In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost I pray… Amen

Diagnosis: Cancer ?

Ξ October 2nd, 2008 | → 0 Comments | ∇ Family Fun, Just For Me |

Technically it’s a “pre-cancerous condition” (or early stage cancer) which means if I don’t go through the recommended treatment option (simple hysterectomy or possible radical hysterectomy) then it will advance into an aggressive invasive malignant carcinoma and spread through out the unknown recesses of my body…. So to me it doesn’t matter what it’s called …. pre-cancer, early cancer, little bit of cancer, aggressive cancer. . .  whatever, it is all still CANCER in my book…

Not that I need my little baby basket anymore…. It’s just the whole going under general anesthesia and having that tube shoved down my throat that I have an issue with, even more so the thought of waking up in a semi conscious state gagging on it…  That is where I have a big fear…

I am dealing with the whole issue pretty well, I am less shook up than the kids are – which is good because I have to be strong for them…  Victoria was the hardest one to talk with this about, and with her being the youngest – it is probably the most scary for her because she doesn’t have the understanding and perspective that the older children have.  However, I have always been honest with my kids about all things and all subjects – this is no different.

So today will be day 1, and we will see where it goes from here…