The time has come….
Ξ September 13th, 2010 | → 3 Comments | ∇ General Interests, Just For Me |
“The time has come,” the Walrus said,
“To talk of many things:
Of shoes–and ships–and sealing-wax–
Of cabbages–and kings–
And why the sea is boiling hot–
And whether pigs have wings.”
I have no doubt that at least some of you will recollect this excerpt from the Lewis Carroll classic (cir. 1872) . For some inexplicable reason this quote has popped into my head at some of the most disadvantageous moments, almost invariably at a moment in time which should be devoted to ‘serious considerations’. Luckily, for the most part, it has almost always been unspoken and quietly remained part of a comical inner dialogue held between me, myself and I, however it has always been followed with a smile, which at those times, was an equally inappropriate display. I cannot help that I sometimes have what may be deemed as an “indelicate” sense of humor.
Throughout our lives there are certain occurrences which give us pause and inspire us to re-evaluate our hearts, our actions, our faith, our choices in a hundred different aspects of our lives. More often than not this self evaluation is spurned by negative circumstances… heartbreak, death, physical trauma, the throes of addiction, near tragedy, depression, divorce, ill health, natural disaster experience, the list goes on and on….. and we breathe deeply, seek enlightenment and wonder how we have gotten to this point in our lives, what we could have done differently, and what yet can we do in order to try to ease our suffering and thus bring life back into the folds of what we have envisioned it should be.
But do not fall in the trap of believing that this is (or should be) the only time in our lives when we question ourselves about what we have done, what we are doing and what we should be doing – or want to be doing – with our lives…. I fully acknowledge that people also go through this internal turmoil at time of joy and of great expectation… the birth of a child, a marriage, an anniversary… milestones in our lives (and the lives of those we love) which give us joy and comfort that there is happiness and a promising future in store…
However, for some of us out there – and here I am certainly speaking for myself but I choose to say ‘for some of us’ because surely of all the billions of people in the world, it is impossible for me to be the sole possessor of this trait – turning the eyes internally has become not just an event which is tied to the major life changing circumstances that are encountered on our journey, but it has become more of a ritualistic self cleansing and healing process that helps us to continue our journey.
I can count on less than the fingers of both hands the number of people which know even a little about the things which I endured from my early childhood into my late teens, which shaped the choices (both good and poorly made) which affected my life and the lives of those I allowed to surround me along the way. You can reduce that number, drastically by two thirds to count the number of people that factually know some of the sufferings about my past…. and to name someone else whom knows it all would be impossible, for I am the only one…
Certain people know certain instances in which they were directly or indirectly involved, now note that I say they ‘know’ these things – but they would never confess to them. Perhaps even the word, know is too strong to use in this context, because, after all, I am currently 43 years old, my childhood was a good many years ago. Now that I think of it, it is very well possible that any of those persons neither remember my name, my face, their actions, or my existence. I find that oddly comforting, because I do not seek remembrance of those times in order to validate what was endured, they are (in part) a forgotten injury and the edges of those scars have long ago faded along with the pain they initially rendered, I survived. But it has been a mighty difficult journey at times to come to that conclusion.
Over the years I have been reintroduced to people whom had been present during different aspects of my life as I was just beginning to develop an independence of thought, a rebellion if you will, against the forces which were controlling my environment. Of course with the given limited perception and ignorance of my youth – I failed miserably at self expression and ended up lashing out at the world around me… the inhabitants of which could perhaps had rescued me had I not already developed a wall high and thick built with bricks of self reliance.
So, let me get back to how, at so many different times in my life – I have taken a long pause from my daily routines – and contemplated the many trips and stumbles, laughs and hopes, injuries and healings, fears and joys which have brought me to the current day at hand.. On many such of these occasions I have been a participant in delicate, or heated, somber conversations at the beginning of which (or perhaps during a lull of which) the aforementioned lines of literature would erratically bubble to the forefront of my thoughts and cause the provoked smile to interrupt the staid dialect taking place.
I think it is perhaps, a survival technique, developed over time to help take what may seem to be an intimidating, emotionally tumultuous ordeal and perhaps bring a bit of lighthearted relief into it to keep ones sanity. So can you picture it…? Let me give you some examples… and this will be the first time I have ever shared this so for some, they may think that it is disrespectful, rude, thoughtless, uncaring or many other reflective adjectives to describe what may be deemed as poor conduct… a marital relationship is deteriorating and the time has come to reveal that an internal decision has been made to bring it to an end… “The time has come” the walrus said, “to talk of many things,”….. another time while sitting in the room with my mother as she lay dying and I watched the machines attached to her slowly decline into negligible numbers and wiggles, and I thought of having to go into the lobby area and tell my sister and my step father that it was over…. “The time has come” the walrus said, “to talk of many things,”….. and yet a different time… while on duty dealing with a tragic incident resulting in the death of several children and upon learning that one of the parent had not yet been made aware of the event had occurred and a notification was in process… “The time has come” the walrus said, “to talk of many things,”…..
Now, possibly, you may have more of an understanding about the kind of emotionally strenuous circumstances which provoke this ill timed remembrance which I think is some sort of stress relief valve… and in addition to the external situations in life which it has invaded, it is almost without waiver that it prefaces my own internal psychological probing during times in which I withdraw into introverted seclusion, which occurs rather frequently in my personal quest for self understanding.
Recently, I had the chance to examine a few pieces of the puzzle of my past and when such opportunities arise I am often afflicted with the compulsion to first apologize for the past of what I had been, then to examine the present of what I was, and lastly to reign in hope for the future of what I might yet become. It is time, once again, to talk of many things. I have thought of things of which I am not exactly proud, and of things I am outright ashamed of…. I have thought of things which have made me giggle out loud, and of things which have made me cry…. I have felt things which brought a flush of color to my cheeks and made me feel full of the exuberance of bloom, and I have felt things which drained the color from my face and made my skin feel cold.
Breathing deeply during these times I let the chaos of emotions spin their way around much as if I were sitting in the calm eye of a hurricane. I see the rain of tears, the winds of change, and the billowing clouds of hope all whirling and churning about my heart.. I recognize my choices and decisions and the errors in my judgments and how these have each impacted those within the inner circle of my life. It does not give me the power of perfection, for that is something which is ridiculously unattainable… but it keeps me more in tune with being able to understand why sometimes people make the choices they make, and to be able to see things from a great expanse of perception.
I am far from being noble, I am guilty of sins just like any other human: greed, lust, selfishness, lies, anger… I know them well. They were taught to me early on and I learned their lessons well… but what I have done is to try to not allow those traits to supplant other more redeeming ones. I have tamed greed with charity, I have diminished selfishness with sacrifice, chosen truth over lies, and humbled anger with patience…. Lust – well ok, I’m still working on that one…
Meaningful conversations are not always easy ones, ((“The time has come….”)) and the people with whom we have the conversations with are not always the people whom feel they are entitled to participate….. However, it is this introduction of other perspectives and experience and empathy which enriches my own and brings a soothing balm to the heartaches of a lifetime… It can often be in an unexpected source that a confidant is found which one can place trust and bare their soul… and for every happenchance of which this occurs there is an honorable congress of emotional connection with a curative result.
I still want to explore unknown places, I still want to have adventures, I still want to savor experiences and cling to every intangible drop of the elixir of life and rejoice in it. I want to be kind, and giving of myself, and I want to forgive and be forgiven, I want to love and be loved…. I want to be remembered, for a little while… as perhaps someone that left behind a positive imprint…
In the time I have remaining – I will do the wrong thing and maybe make a situation worse for having spoken, I will say something I shouldn’t or not say something I should, I will hurt someone who may or may not forgive me, I will take a wrong turn (or three), and will lose my temper, give in to temptation, forgot what should be remembered and many more mistakes that just cannot be enumerated…. I am fallible and weak and a broken tattered person still in some ways….
But I will try to always remain humble, I will strive for better communication, I will plead forgiveness and pay my penance, I will struggle through and find my way, I will regret my anger, I will exercise humility, and I will still find hope in my life.
I will endeavor to love, and that love will not be bound by regimen.
I will willingly surrender to my dreams, I will fulfill them….
I don’t mind living my life on the edge, in the wind, or in the land of make believe.
